UNHOLY SWAP

 

By

 

Rutger Oosterhoff

 

Copyright 2011

Rutger Oosterhoff

roosterhoff@zonnet.nl

 

UNHOLY SWAP

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - DAY

 

MT Purgatory looks God forsaken.

 

SUPER: "MT Purgatory with it’s Seven Sins"

 

Going up the mountain there’s Sin after Sin. Each Level representing a Sin to be punished. Each Level being a Terrace.

 

Going up we get a glimpse of:

 

The first terrace - a SIGN says "Pride": behind it there are inhabitants to be broken on the wheel.

 

Second terrace - "Envy": inhabitants are immersed in freezing water.

 

Third terrace - "Anger": inhabitants are dismembered alive. All the way up to the Seventh Level --

 

"Lust", where the inhabitants are smothered in fire andbrimstone.

 

Then even going higher -- just under "Earthly Paradise" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - NEAR TOP

 

THREE ENTITIES

two standing, one lying down -- sleeping.

 

It’s a strange set of people:

 

GOD - mild and gentle; SATAN - wild and mental; KATE BUSH (age 19)- serene and sensual --

 

KATE BUSH

(waking up)

Ehh... where am I? What am I doing here? I’m freezing. I want to go home.

 

GOD

It seems you’re not quite in Heaven and not quite in Hell. And on the question what am I doing here?...

(looks at Satan)

Hell, what are we doing here?!

 

SATAN

It’s cold out here, so let me come strait to the point: Let’s make a deal.

 

GOD

The contents of this deal -- please?

 

SATAN

Let’s switch.

 

GOD

(surprised)

Let’s what?!

 

SATAN

(re: what)

Didn’t your mother tell you to be polite.

 

GOD

Switch what?

 

SATAN

It’s more like switch ’who?’.

 

GOD

Come to the point, you can never come to the point.

 

SATAN

Let’s switch places.

 

GOD

You mean me playing you and you playing me?

(lets it sink in)

Oh Hell!

 

SATAN

Yesss.

 

GOD

Why?

 

SATAN

We’re going to ’test’ mankind and ourselves a bit more. The question being: can we really change people?

 

GOD

What are the precise rules?

 

SATAN

The rules are --

 

Kate has had enough of it.

 

KATE BUSH

STOP, please tell me why I’m here?

 

GOD

(to Satan)

Yes, why is she here?

 

SATAN

Because she can end our quarrel once and for all.

 

GOD

How?

 

SATAN

She wrote a song --

 

KATE BUSH

(irritated)

Yes, normally that’s what singer-songwriters do -- I guess.

 

SATAN

I mean you wrote a song called "Deal with God"... And to be honest -- I feel a bit offended... It should be: a deal with the Devil.

 

KATE BUSH

I was trying to say that a man and a woman, like the Devil and God, can’t understand each other because we are a man and a woman...

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. A MODERN LIVING ROOM

 

A man and a woman are arguing about the contents of the book "Men are from Mars, and woman are from Venus". They trow their books at each other.

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - NEAR TOP

 

Kate Bush with emphasis --

 

KATE BUSH

... and if we could actually swap each others roles, if we could actually be in each others place for a while, I think we’d both be very surprised!

(laughs)

... And I think it would lead to a greater understanding and --

 

SATAN

A greater understanding. Hmm I doubt that. It’s more like a bigger challenge...

(pause)

The challenge being God burning in Hell trying to convert the all time biggest monster to a weak obedient cheap...

(beat)

And me staying in a luxury hotel. Me in ’Seven Heaven’, converting a Saint into a monster.

 

GOD

(points at Kate Bush)

I guess we both agree that she willbe the judge in this contest... Agreed?

 

SATAN

Agreed! Now you’re talking.

 

A pause.

 

GOD

And the stakes?

 

SATAN

The loser forever has to answer stupid questions.

 

GOD

Deal... no... damn you!

 

SATAN

Relax,  I’m kidding. The loser will for ever be the obedient right hand of the winner.

 

KATE BUSH

And what happens with me after I played judge in this contest? Can I go home then?

 

SATAN

If you judge well, Yes.

 

KATE BUSH

(getting her confidence back)

Hmm -- how long can it take? I’m in!

 

GOD

Fine then... So Kate can you give me the Monster, the Saint and their challenges?

 

A pause. Kate Bush is making up the challenges. After she’s finished --

 

KATE BUSH

Read my mind so you can sky write a mental projection of he challenges.

 

GOD

Done. Look!

 

SUPER:

God-Hell: "Hitler to lovingly run a orphanage consisting of Jews."

 

Satan-Heaven: "Mother Teresa cursing."

 

SATAN

OK, let’s do this!

 

KATE BUSH

Go!

 

Kate Bush PUSHING her stopwatch button.

 

God an Satan leap to Hell and Heaven.

 

HELL

 

God tries to convince Hitler.

 

GOD

Make peace with the orphans, is that so hard to do.

 

HITLER

Must I make them rule the world?

 

GOD

You don’t need to, their parents already rule supreme!

 

HITLER

That sounds racist.

 

GOD

(proud)

You’re learning.

 

God leaps back to Purgatory.

 

GOD

Time?!

 

KATE BUSH

(pushes stopwatch button)

Your time is 2 minutes 33 seconds.

 

HEAVEN - SAME

 

Satan interrogates Mother Teresa.

 

SATAN

I heard you had an affair with the pope. You met him at his private pool when he was bud naked.

 

MOTHER TERESA

(calm and collected)

I only have one love, God almighty.

 

SATAN

You’re good not falling into my trap of you saying -- ehh -- you know -- ehh -- so what’s the word again?

 

MOTHER TERESA

God damn!

 

SATAN

Thanks, that’s all I needed to know.

 

Satan leaps back to Purgatory.

 

SATAN

Time?!

 

KATE BUSH

(pushes stopwatch again)

 

It’s 2 minutes 41 seconds.

 

KATE BUSH

God wins this contest!

 

SATAN

But that’s impossible!

(beat; depressed)

I have to go to Base Camp, drink a beer or two... Kate I would like you to join us before you go home.

 

KATE BUSH

OK, but only if you let me finish my story --

 

No response. The three of them start walking down the mountain.

 

KATE BUSH

Where was I? O yes -- a greater understanding.

(beat)

We were told that if we kept the title "Deal with God" that it wouldn’t be played in the religious countries and that generally we might get it blacked purely because it had ’God’ in the title.... That’s why I called the song "Running up that hill".

 

GOD

(looks to top of mountain)

It’s not a hill but a mountain. And we’re not going up, but down. And we’re certainly not running; lack of oxygen you know.

 

KATE BUSH

So why you both keep running around the bush then? Talk to me. What do I get out of this, except my life?

 

GOD

You’ll --

 

SATAN

(interrupting)

I will be your agent and make the deals with your record company.

 

KATE BUSH

Can I choose my own song titles?

 

SATAN

Yes.

 

KATE BUSH

Hmmm. No Deal! May I ask you a real favour?

 

GOD

Don’t do that, in return he’ll take your soul.

 

KATE BUSH

(looks from Satan to God)

He can’t do that, he still owes me a real favour. I judged his little contest -- you know. That should count for something.

 

SATAN

What do you want?

 

KATE BUSH

We all seem to love the number seven, so let me save seven souls.

 

SATAN

Pfff... why not.

 

They arrive at --

 

"Lust" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 7

 

Satan points at a pool filled with lava.

 

SATAN

Here they are smothered in fire and brimstone. How do you want to save someone without burning your hands?

 

KATE BUSH

Why don’t they burn to ashes?

 

SATAN

Because they have to feel pain until god and I decide if their soul goes to Heaven or Hell.

 

KATE BUSH

(to God; pointing at a girl)

Please pull that LITTLE GIRL out of the pool?

 

God pulls her out.

 

LITTLE GIRL

(to Kate Bush)

Thanks Mam.

 

KATE BUSH

(points at God and Satan)

Why did those man throw a sweet little girl like you into the fire?

 

LITTLE GIRL

They think I’m naughty.

 

KATE BUSH

Are you?

 

LITTLE GIRL

I’m not sure Mam.

 

A pause.

 

KATE BUSH

What is your name?

 

LITTLE GIRL

They call me Case 39.

 

KATE BUSH

Why?

 

LITTLE GIRL

I killed 39 people including my parents. I have to kill people I like. Can’t stop myself... Don’t get me wrong, I love them.

 

KATE BUSH

I’m going to look for some real nice parents that will give you a chance to redeem yourself.

 

LITTLE GIRL

(smiles sardonically)

That would be fine mam.

 

It’s getting dark when they continue their way down the mountain. The girl -- still burning -- lights the way.

 

They arrive at "Gluttony"

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 6

 

People are force-fed rats, toads, and snakes. When they see the illustrious group walking up to them, they all start to shout: "Pick me" - "Pick me".

 

KATE BUSH

(to a chef cook)

Leave the rat, I want you to cook for us at Base Camp. Join us!

 

Walking down the mountain to --

 

"Greed" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 5

 

Several enormous cauldrons with oil are placed throughout the Terrace. People are boiled alive in oil.

 

Above all other pleas for help -- A FORMER ARISTOCRAT cries out:

 

FORMER ARISTOCRAT

(to God; Satan; Kate Bush)

Please give me some money so I can buy myself out of here?!

 

SATAN

(points at a cauldron)

Bear in mind that it’s the most luxurious boiling oil that money can buy, but it’s still boiling.

 

GREEDY MAN

(looks at Kate Bush)

Please get me out of here? I’m a rich man. I can give you halve my fortune!

 

KATE BUSH

Don’t be so greedy. Be happy with what you have. I hate materialistic people. Be rich in body and soul.

 

GREEDY MAN

How can I be rich when I can’t spent my money; That’s kind of difficult in here, don’t you think?

 

KATE BUSH

(to God)

Do you have any money?

 

GOD

No, don’t need to.

 

KATE BUSH

(to Satan)

And You?

 

SATAN

No, do you have any idea what it costs bribing politicians?

 

KATE BUSH

(to Greedy Man)

You’re a very lucky man -- you can buy us dinner.

 

GREEDY MAN

Do they accept a credit card?

 

SATAN

Sure, where almost in Hell.

 

They are walking further down the mountain to arrive at --

 

"Sloth" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 4

 

A young woman stands on the edge of a snake pit.

 

YOUNG WOMAN

(to Kate Bush)

Please save me?!

 

KATE BUSH

Why are you asking me? I’m not God.

 

YOUNG WOMAN

(harsh voice)

Rumour goes fast here, word is that you want to save seven souls.

 

KATE BUSH

Yes, those where exactly my thoughts.

(beat)

Are you a mind reader?

 

YOUNG WOMAN

No, not me but someone else.

 

KATE BUSH

And who is this someone else?

 

YOUNG WOMAN

(irritated)

For God sake, are you stupid? You ’Lazy brains’. You’re good for nothing!

 

KATE BUSH

Yes, that about summons it all up--

 

Kate Bush pushes the girl over the edge.

 

KATE BUSH

(shouts into the pit)

-- I mean why you’re here!

 

Satan also has a glimpse.

 

SATAN

And down it goes, where it ends nobody knows.

 

They start walking down the mountain again to arrive at --

 

"Anger" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 3

 

Inhabitants, hundreds of them, lying next to each other.

 

Beside them a pile of limbs.

 

SATAN

Anger, it’s what keeps me alive. The reason why those fucked up basterds are crying like babies.

 

ANGRY MAN

(to Kate Bush)

Give me back my limbs my lady!

 

KATE BUSH

With what army do you want to attach your arms and legs to your body? That’s if you can even find your own arms and legs.

 

ANGRY MAN

You’re mocking me, are you mocking me! I’m going to kill you!

 

KATE BUSH

(teasing)

Yes dear, that sounds really convincing!

 

Walking down the mountain again to --

 

"Envy" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 2

 

Kate Bush looks at a lake where people are trying to keep their heads above water. Some are holding on to floating pieces of ice.

 

A man sitting on an ice floe -- combing his wet hair with his fingers -- looks at his reflection on the ice.

 

KATE BUSH

(to condemned souls)

Who thinks he/she is better, smarter and more attractive than all others?

 

The man puts up his hand.

 

KATE BUSH

You seem to be staying at the wrong level, you lucky man.

 

Walking down the mountain to --

 

"Pride" --

 

EXT. MT PURGATORY - TERRACE 1

 

Kate Bush walks up to an OLD WOMAN.

 

KATE BUSH

Do you want to be saved?

 

OLD WOMAN.

Yes, but not by you. I hate your music.

 

KATE BUSH

But I can bring you into my ’sensual world’.

 

OLD WOMAN

Go to Hell witch!

 

KATE BUSH

Where’s the handle on this apparatus? Ah yes, I see --

 

OLD WOMAN

Ahhhhhh!!

 

KATE BUSH

(to dead woman)

Still don’t want to go into my sensual world?

 

The group walks the last stretch down the mountain -- passing Ante Purgatory holding the "Excommunicate" who behave like condemned, the "Lethargic" looking drowsy and sluggish, the "Un-Absolved" looking guilty and the "Negligent Rulers" acting like they don’t care -- until they arrive at Base Camp.

 

In Base Camp all kind of bad people are waiting to be brought to their destination level.

 

They’re scared of the CONSTANT SCREAMING coming from above.

 

KATE BUSH

Poor folks, they still don’t ’really’ know what awaits them.

 

SATAN

But you know?

 

KATE BUSH

Meaning?

 

SATAN

You will join them now.

 

KATE BUSH

But I just walked down this God forsaken mountain.

 

SATAN

Yes, isn’t it ironic.

 

KATE BUSH

Why do you do this to me?

 

SATAN

You did it to yourself. You killed two souls.

 

KATE BUSH

I did not kill them. I only got them out of their misery. So in a way I did save them.

 

SATAN

No, you killed them.

(sarcastic)

You saved an eleven years old mass murdering child, a man who was camping at the wrong level and a food poisoner. You’re going strait on to the wheel!

 

KATE BUSH

You forget that God just won the contest and you’re nothing more than his obedient right hand now. If I ask for it God will forgive me my sins.

 

SATAN

Normally yes, but not this time. You forget about Pride, meaning: the excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the grace of God.

(points at God)

So ware is his grace now ?!

 

KATE BUSH

(looks at God)

Please help?!

 

GOD

I’m sorry, can’t help you anymore.

 

KATE BUSH

(turns to Satan; rests in her faith)

God damn you’re good.

 

CUT TO BLACK.

 

THE END